Kitchen F#!% Ups

• Maya's Day of the Dead Cookies (A Year In Chocolate, p. 22)

I convinced my friend Cheryl to take a cooking class with me. I can't shape a round roll to save my life. Sadly the class didn't teach round rolls. We made cloverleafs and fans. Not only do they look horrible, didn't taste good either.

I threw my take-home rolls in the compost pile. Don't tell the teacher.

I make Spiced Pumpkin Bread for Gary every year. His birthday is right around Thanksgiving and we usually go camping. He loves it for breakfast, and I have to admit, it's pretty good for something pumpkin-flavored. I guess it's the spices because they're so fragrant and seasonal.

This year, I was having a hard time finding time to make it. I had just gotten back into town from Las Vegas, had all the typical chores to do (laundry, etc) and needed to be ready to leave for west Texas, so we could hike and then spend the holiday with Gary's family. I decided to squeeze some baking in between other tasks, so that Gary could have his requisite Pumpkin Bread.

I peeked into the oven about 3/4 the way, and it sure hadn't risen much. At the appointed time, I tested it with a toothpick. It came out clean, so I took the pan out of the oven. For a 9" loaf pan, the bread was only about an inch and a half high.

I reread the recipe (which I've made a dozen times) and retraced my steps. I never added the baking powder.

Larry wanted blueberry scones. The Cheese Board cookbook is excellent, so I chose a recipe out of there. The blueberries are frozen, in order to minimze turning the whole pile of batter purple. I mixed everything together, then gently, gently tried to mix in the blueberries. It looks like I stuck my hands in purple cement.

I'll probably attempt these again, because they have potential.

• Lemon Blueberry Scones (The Cheese Board: Collective Works, p. 40)

• Chocolate-Amaretto Heart

It smelled delicious as it was baking. Mmm, the aroma of butter and bananas. And burnt cake mix - it started leaking out of the bottom of my tube pan, which has a removable bottom. I knew I was going to have problems removing the cake from the pan, but I had a plan.

Once the cake was a lovely golden color, I removed it from the oven and left it to cool on a rack in the pan for ten minutes. When I went to remove the cake from the pan, boy was the pan hot. My initial instinct was to leave it in the pan longer, but I was tired and wanted to get things moving along.

I should have just trusted myself - impatience is rarely a good thing when it comes to baking. I used a small, thin knife to loosen the cake where it had leaked out. Most of the cake dropped nicely onto my plate, but one big chunk was still stuck to the pan.

Banana Pound Cake (Sweetnicks, January 16, 2006)

I tested this lemon buttermilk poundcake with a toothpick and I swear the toothpick came out clean. But as it cooled on the rack for 10 minutes, the middle sank like a tank. Inside the hole it was soggy and wet. I turned the oven back on and threw it in, knowing that it wouldn't rise, but hoping that it would at least finish baking.

This was my first attempt at making naan. It was not easy to make - the dough was really hard to handle. I got better at it the more I made, but this first one looks like *ahem* male genitalia.

• Homestyle Indian Naan (Fine Cooking #47, November 2001, p. 47)

I have all these Meyer lemons from the neighbor's tree, so I've been making lemon desserts for a week now. Larry thought this cake looked really good. I ended up starting it really late in the day, so I made the cake layers and curd one day, then assembled and frosted the cake the next day.

Once the layers were cool, I stuck them on my cake plate with layers of wax paper in between, and just covered it with the dome that goes with the plate. The layers looked okay. One was kind of uneven and I thought they looked a little deflated.

The next evening, when I un-stacked the layers... cake was stuck all over the wax paper. Okay, no matter, it will be covered up anyway. I proceeded to slice each layer in half horizontally so the cake would have four different layers. Following the instructions and the photo, I carefully but firmly set my hand on top of the first layer and used a serrated knife to slice the layer in half.. sort-of. One of the layers broke in several places, and on the top of the layer was an impression of my hand where all of the outside of the cake came off. Repeat with the second layer.

By this time I was cranky and about ready to burst into tears. My lovely cake looked like a mess. I stacked up the layers with lemon curd in between, and shoved the broken parts in there to fill the holes.

Looks great, doesn't it? I was close to just throwing the whole thing in the trash. I mixed up the delicious lemon buttercream frosting anyway and applied a crumb coat, then stuck it in the refrigerator to firm up. Then I applied the rest of the frosting. It turned out not to be a complete disaster. The cake slices weren't as perfectly aligned as I would have liked, but the cake was good and looked decent at the end.

• Triple-Lemon Layer Cake (Fine Cooking #63, September 2004, p. 66)

I made a lovely little chocolate stout cake today, except it came out looking like there was a brain embedded in the middle of it. Or warts, take your pick. The disaster continued when I attempted to cut the 9" round of cake in half (crooked), then tried to frost it with ganache that had been refrigerated too long. I popped it in the microwave, but for too long. Then had to refrigerate it again. It was messy, frosting the cake, because the ganache was still kind of gooey, and by the time it finished it looked like a chocolate grenade had exploded in my hands. Luckily there was lots of it to cover up the Cake Brain, and it ended up tasting pretty good.

• Chocolate Stout Cake (King Arthur Flour Whole Grain Baking, p. 422)

Sheri, 0; Pumpkin Pie, 8.

I have tried to make pumpkin pie on many occasions. I hate pumpkin pie - so gross. But Larry loves it and I know homemade must be better than purchased. So I keep trying. Every time something goes horribly wrong.

This time, it was the crust. How many times have I made a blind-baked pie crust that turns out just perfect? A lot. So why did this one shrink from a lovely unbaked crust into a tough, tiny shrunken crust? I don't know, but it barely took half of the filling. The rest went into ramekins.

Larry tried a piece, just in case. Sometimes things will seem horrible, but in the end they turn out fine. The only good thing about this pie crust is the outside crust. The rest was tough and chewy. The filling is allegedly good but I wouldn't touch it with a ten-foot pole.

• Bourbon-Vanilla Bean Pumpkin Pie (Fine Cooking #88, November 2007 online extra)

I suspected this was a bad idea to start but decided to give it a try anyway. I had a batch of bread dough that had been in the refrigerator a bit too long, and from experience knew the dough would be a little loose and sloppy. I used plenty of flour and a banneton that Amy gave me. After about 45 minutes, I went to turn out the dough. See the horrific results below. What a mess to clean up, too.

• Boule (Artisan Bread in Five Minutes a Day, p. 26)

This is the second time I've made this cake, and it's really not easy to work with. It fell in the middle and when I cut it in two, it wasn't thick enough in the middle so I ended up with the top in pieces. And a gigantic hole on top. Luckily ganache covers all and it ended up looking and tasting okay in the end... but I'm not sure I'm going to try making this cake again.

• Chocolate Stout Cake (King Arthur Flour Whole Grain Baking, p. 422)